goings on

I won but not the way I should have or wanted to.  So I didn't feel good about the win, because it didn't feel right, although I think in the end I should have won for the right reasons.  There were many reasons I should have won, those just weren't the right ones.  How crappy is that?  I get a win and can't be happy about it, on principle.  But I suppose my opponent now knows a bit what it feels like to be a P.D. - to be on the losing side for the wrong reasons.

I am applying for jobs, more for geographical purposes than anything else.  This is a huge deal.  I do not feel ready for change, only because I'm scared.  I'm afraid that I'll end up without a job somehow, or that I'll feel as though I've made a terrible decision, or that I'm making decisions that bring me no closer to the right path.  I am totally and completely afraid.  Also, I am dismayed how many people want my law school transcripts or want me to write an essay about what life experiences I have that make me a good public defender.  Um, well, I am a public defender.  I've been a PD for 4 years.  I found that to be very good preparation for being a public defender.  I thought it would be easier to make a lateral move - but it's the exact same process, 4 yrs later.

to those about to rock [1L year]

I noticed a spike in visitors, and noticed that there was a significant number of people searching for advice on being a 1L. 

I wrote this over 4 years ago for those entering law school [yikes!] and it's a good thing I wrote it then, because I don't remember what it felt like to be a law student as much anymore.

Good luck to all entering those hallowed halls.  Just remember, you're worthy.

on being a public defender

I have exactly, precisely, $10.92 to last me the next 8 days.

Dear ABA Law Journal

Thank you for your emails to me as a blawger.  It's nice of you to write me things of interest.  What I want you to know is that there is very little you do that is of interest to me.  Your monthly magazine, your website, all those things are about and geared towards a very specific subset of lawyers; namely, the big firm - corp counsel types.  Our profession is so much broader than that, and you perpetuate this narrowing of the profession that begins with law school.

So about this Rebel project you have going on?  Thanks for letting me know, I'll be sure to check on it, but I'm already disappointed.  Your rebel is a corp counsel who doesn't hire firms if they have a poor track record regarding diversity.  That's commendable.  It's not rebellious. 

Thanks for continuing to marginalize attorneys working in the public interest.  Neither you nor my clients see me as a real lawyer.

even the annoying ones

I just noticed that he wore the same shirt on the past three court dates.

He drives me absolutely insane, but he wore his nice shirt.  Because he probably has only one.

He tap dances on my last nerve, but I'm so proud? humbled? pleased? to be his lawyer.  I'm glad that something pushed through the barrier of my annoyance and tapped me on the shoulder to remind me that yeah, he's a huge pain in the ass, but he's a human being who has a lot of life battles, and I'm so glad that I could stand by him.  Because the prosecutor with the shiny shoes and the judge with his season tickets and the detective with his nice suit and badge will come in, and I get to be the only one privileged enough to fight for the guy with only one nice shirt.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me be your lawyer. 

I only have one nice suit.

for those who were PDs but then weren't

for those who left, or those who left and returned to the profession...

What do you think?  What made you leave?  How do you feel now that you left?  Did it change the role that work plays in your life?  And for those who came back... why?  And how do you feel about your return?

reflecting on envy

Sherry at Rhubarb Pie recently wrote about how it felt to learn that someone that you knew once and were in the same place as once is doing something 'important' or 'prestigious', leaving you to wonder, well, what about me?  Read her blog entry, I feel as though I'm not properly summarizing her thoughts and am projecting my own a bit.

 

The exact same thing happened to me last week.  I found out that an acquaintance I knew once, who was on the same place as me once, is doing Big Things or at least has a Big Title.  It sounds smart, and prestigious, and important.  And it made me think, why not me?  People around me have said, You could do the same thing!  But that is not true.  I'm not sure why.  And I envy his title of importance, and the respect it commands.  I want it.

 

There are a few things this makes me consider.  What is it that I feel as though stands between me and a Big Title?  Aside from the fact that I probably don't want it - why do I feel as though I couldn't have it?  I can't answer that question, but that's an important question, and I think I need a few good answers.  Do I feel as though my socio-economic class (prior and current) limits me?  Do I feel as though I'm not in fact as smart as I've led other people to believe I am?

 

I'm self-aware enough to know that it's important to me that other people think I'm smart.  I don't want to be smartER than everyone else.  I just want a room full of smart people to think that I'm smart and interesting, too.  I'm not athletic or artistic.  I think other people find me generally pretty funny but I'm not always very social.  My thing has always been grades, and getting good grades.  (maybe less so in law school, the great equalizer).  There are no grades now.  So who am I and what do I use to evaluate myself?  Who am I?  What am I?  Now I'm not smart or important and I regularly wonder in my day to day job, "I went to law school for THIS?"

 

Now, let's turn back to the fact that most jobs with Big Titles are not jobs that interest me.  On paper, the job I have now is the job I want.  But there are these wispy intangible things that makes this job not completely fulfilling to me.  I don't really want any other job, I just want this job to make me happier.  I'm not sure how to do that.  I also wonder if perhaps I'm putting too much importance on my job being 100% fulfilling, and that maybe I should be more focused on making my personal life more fulfilling and stop expecting my profession to dictate my life.  That goes back to wanting to be smart, I suppose. 

 

My envy has me thinking about these things.